DAVE BARRY IMITATES US

“We wandered to the nearby Bowlmoor Lanes, where Rep. David Dreier was hosting a bash. But we decided to forgo the party, as there was a long line, and we don’t think Ronald Reagan vanquished communism so that Americans could spend their time standing in line.” -Best of the Web, August 30

“I tried to get into a party hosted by Rep. David Dreier of California at a bowling alley in Greenwich Village, but they wouldn’t let me in, so I can’t say what went on in there. For all I know, Rep. Dreier had carnal relations with a llama. But that is pointless speculation, since, as I said, they refused to let me in, apparently because they don’t care about Freedom of the Press, not to mention the welfare of innocent animals. I just hope this kind of thing doesn’t happen again, because I would hate to have to engage in further pointless speculation, if you GOP party-planners catch my drift.” -Dave Barry, Miami Herald, August 31

‘ARNOLD, I’LL BE BACK’

Governor Schwarzenegger spoke at the convention Tuesday night, and he took an elegant shot at a certain haughty, French looking Massachusetts Democrat, who by the way served in Vietnam:

Let me tell you about the sacrifice and the commitment that I have seen firsthand. In one of the military hospitals I visited, I met a young guy who was in bad shape. He’d lost a leg, he had a hole through his stomach, and his shoulder had been shot through. And the list goes on and on and on.

I could tell that there was no way he could ever return to combat. But when I asked him, “When do you think you’ll get out of the hospital?” He said, “Sir, in three weeks.” And do you know what he said to me then? He said he was going to get a new leg, and then he was going to get some therapy, and then he was going to go back to Iraq and fight alongside his buddies.

He said, “Arnold, I’ll be back.”

Who could miss the implied comparison to someone who left Vietnam after being awarded three Purple Hearts for wounds that didn’t require hospitalization, and then rather than return, went to Washington to slander his “buddies” as war criminals? We’re not naming names or anything, but you see what we mean. Mr. Schwarzenegger also paid tribute to America’s muscular economy:

There’s another way you can tell you’re a Republican. You have faith in free enterprise, faith in the resourcefulness of the American people and faith in the U.S. economy. And to those critics who are so pessimistic about our economy, I say: Don’t be economic girlie-men.

The U.S. economy remains the envy of the world. We have the highest economic growth of any of the world’s major industrialized nations. Don’t you remember the pessimism of 20 years ago, when the critics said Japan and Germany are overtaking the U.S.? Ridiculous.

Now, they say that India and China are overtaking us. Don’t you believe it. We may hit a few bumps, but America always moves ahead. That’s what Americans do.

This didn’t go over well with Robert Robb of the Arizona Republic, who offered this scolding under the hilariously self-indulgent headline “Arnold Wows Convention, Not Columnist”:

And then there was the offensive, and also inevitable, reference to “girlie men,” this time directed at “critics who are so pessimistic about our economy.”

People who lack faith in the American economy may be mistaken. But that doesn’t make them cowardly or effeminate. Someday, perhaps, Schwarzenegger will be able to deliver a compelling speech without relying on his movie career as a prop. When that happens, I’ll consider unchecking my gaga.

As Mark Steyn noted after Mr. Schwarzenegger first introduced the term “girlie-men” into American political discourse, “I don’t pretend to know all the ins and outs of this phrase, but it seems safe to say that one sure sign you are a girlie man is that when you’re called one, you whine humorlessly about it.”

THE RECRIMINATION BEGINS Two months before the election, Democrats are already arguing over why Senator Kerry lost. Campaign staff changes are in the offing in the wake of the damage from the Swift Boat Veterans for Truth’s criticisms of Kerry’s war and antiwar records, reports the New York Daily News:

Sen. John Kerry is angry at the way his campaign has botched the attacks from the Swift boat veterans and has ordered a staff shakeup that will put former Clinton aides in top positions.

“The candidate is furious,” a longtime senior Kerry adviser told the Daily News. “He knows the campaign was wrong. He wanted to go after the Swift boat attacks, but his top aides said no.”

Campaign sources stressed that no one is losing a job at this point, but instead “proven winners” like former Clinton aides Joe Lockhart and Joel Johnson are being brought in to try to regain momentum for Team Kerry.

But while the Daily News has Mr. Kerry angry at his staff for exercising too much restraint, a CNN report suggests more restraint is what he needs: “Several campaign officials and advisers say they recognize the need to have an ‘adult’ traveling with the candidate – as one put it, ‘someone who can tell him to shut up, or change something if and when that is necessary’ and quickly deal with other strategic issues from the road.”

Blogger and Democratic weathervane Josh Marshall has harsh words for panicked Dems:

All I can say is, really, really, shut up and calm down.

Politically, this is one of the worst things about Democrats – and it has many sources. As a group they seem to have a great tendency toward becoming disheartened, turning on their candidate, doubting his strategy, doubting his advisors, and so forth. Unfortunately, the candidates and advisors have an equal tendency to be open to that kind of fretting. And with the media playing the handmaiden to the synergizing anxiety, the whole thing can become very demoralizing and damaging for campaigns.

We don’t pretend to know the Democratic mind well enough to say if Mr. Marshall’s analysis is right or wrong. But if it is right, are these the kind of people we want directing our country’s defense against a mortal enemy?

WHAT WOULD WE DO WITHOUT SOME?

“Some Say Kerry Brought Controversy on Himself” – headline, Hilltop (Howard University), August 27

SAY WHAT?

“In Retreat, Bush Says U.S. Will Win War on Terrorism” – headline, New York Times, September

YOU DON’T SAY 2004

“Undecided Voters Still Torn Between Bush, Kerry” – headline, FoxNews.com, August 31

RETURN TO NORMLCY

“Democrats Rally ‘Round Weed” -headline, Daily Progress (Charlottesville,Va.), August 29

IF HE’S SO SMART, HOW COME HE GOT CAUGHT?

“Smart Kidnapping Suspect Found Competent” – headline, CNN.com, August 31

This column is adapted from the Best of the Web, which is issued daily at OpinionJournal.com. (C)2004 Dow Jones and Company Inc.