It is hard to stay sane in this crazy world. Luckily, many of the conditions plaguing Americans today are mild and temporary. Including:

Hairanoia: The suspicion that everybody is just saying they love your new haircut.

Kinsomnia: The inability to fall asleep once one starts thinking about one’s family.

Rexhibitionism: Childhood compulsion to show dinosaur figurines to everyone, even strangers on the street.

Seasonings affective disorder: Manifested by the need to glop Sriracha on things that taste just fine the way they are.

Dementionate: Compulsively nice behavior — the lending of money, sharing of fries, remembering of birthdays — sparking waves of unworthiness on the part of the recipient.

Socialism Anxiety: Inability to converse with anyone who voted for Bernie Sanders.

Hippochondria: The conviction that one’s hips look about a mile wide in the outfit one idiotically chose to wear today.

Angoraphobia: The fear of being way too hot in a sweater.

Delusions of Grandes: Compulsive fantasizing about one’s next Starbucks, even while sipping a Frappuccino right now.

Schleptomania: Going from store to store even though you don’t really know what you want and are maxed out on your credit cards.

Obsessive-Complainer Disorder: Manifests itself in singsong statements of fatigue, boredom and the wish to do, eat or be something else. Also see: whines, whining, whiners, children.

ATMnesia: The inability to remember where you put your bank card moments after you have completed a cash machine transaction.

Post-Traumatic Dress Disorder: Rage and guilt focused on a bride after she has ordered mauve poufy dresses for her bridesmaids, and you are one of them.

Psyintology: To feel wildly conflicting emotions about Tom Cruise. On the one hand, he’s a cult member. On the other hand, my GOD he is STILL gorgeous. And “Maverick” — wow. All is forgiven, Tom. Or is it? No. Yes. No. Yes.

Bi-Stroller Disorder: To experience violent fantasies while being stuck behind someone with a double stroller hogging the whole sidewalk, especially if that someone is on her phone.

Post-Cardum Depression: Feeling sad looking at old postcards from when you used to bother to write them.  

Dysmexia: Confusing tacos and burritos.

Sharkolepsy: Inability to stay awake during shows featuring would-be entrepreneurs.

Clinical Cynical Syndrome: To reply to any idea proposed by a thoughtful adult with “Yeah, right” or “OK already.” Technically known as “adolescence.”

Mallucination: Often triggered by Cinnabon inhalation. Mallucinators see Aeropostale and Yankee Candle stores while staring into space.

Duhlirium: The inability to stop responding with the word “duh” when someone is trying to explain something.

Passive-agassive: The compulsion to make rude noises. (See: “Boys.”)

Festive-aggressive: To insist on wearing a party dress, even to the sandbox. (See: “Girls.”)

Gyromania: Disturbing fixation on delicious lamb sandwiches.

Lawyerism: Compulsive bingeing on anything starring Sam Waterston.

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