Things to be thankful for AFTER Thanksgiving? There are a heap. Be glad that:

1. You were not crushed while attempting to buy a 98-inch smart TV. (If you WERE crushed, please skip to item 15.) (And … sorry.)

2. You presumably understand how to USE your smart TV (even though it is smarter than you by several magnitudes). Knowing how to get to the show you actually want to watch — as opposed to a pink and purple skyline that keeps drifting by, like an automated postcard from a place you’re desperate to leave — that’s not a minor achievement, if you have more than three remotes. (And you do.) 

So celebrate your know-how, and double it if you can get one of those remotes to somehow save the stuff that, I’m sorry, I didn’t realize some people in this family WANTED TO KEEP. How was I supposed to know EACH Giants game was THAT IMPORTANT? Anyway … also please celebrate the fact that:

3. You did not gain 10 pounds from just one single meal. (Unless somehow you did. Did you not realize that candied yams are actually the equivalent of orange-colored fudge? You really had NO IDEA that the REASON they taste so good is not the beta carotene and fiber but the fact that ALL sweet potato casserole recipes call for a stick of butter gently sauteed in another stick of butter? Well, now you do. Start jogging.)

4. Be thankful that, despite the traffic and weather (which constituted 13 percent of the conversation), you eventually got where you were going.

5. Be thankful the other 87 percent of the conversation is finished and you never have to talk about THAT again. Right? We can all move on?

6. RIGHT???

7. Be thankful that we live in a free country that … OK, OK. Stop — OMG — I’m sorry I even brought it up. Be glad you’re living on solid ground. Can we all agree on THAT?

8. Also please appreciate the fact that if on Monday it’s just back to work, that means you HAVE work.

9. Don’t forget to be grateful for December. It’s not only stuffed with holiday cheer, but those day-after-Xmas sales make Black Friday look like Prices-at-the-Airport-Gift-Shop Day.

10. Appreciate the fact that you don’t have to eat another cranberry for 360 or so days, unless you really LIKE eating a side dish that is (let’s be honest here) jelly.

11. Be glad that you can take that fall harvest/dried corn decoration off your door. It was pretty, but sometimes it’s depressing to think of how boring and standardized our perfect yellow sweet corn — a metaphor for modern, atomized society — has become. Maroon, white and black kernels just rub it in.

12. Rejoice that it’s almost that time of year when, for a week or two, no one does anything except bake and browse Etsy.

13. Be glad that, with guests gone, now you can fit comfortably around the table again. (Unless … well … see item 3.)

15. Be grateful you can count! Not everyone can.

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