When you go to see “Wicker Park,” you get to pretend that you are Lisa – a girl who gets stalked by Josh Hartnett! Can you feel it? Of course you can, if “you” are one of the only people on the planet who will go see this movie: all the girls (and boys) out there who swoon over doe-eyed little Joshy-Josh.

You – and no one else – are the target demographic, and “Wicker Park” has been designed to nail you like a bull’s-eye. Put down that nonfat vanilla frappuccino, open your iBook, and get your tickets online now: It could sell out! Don’t forget to text message your girlfriends! It’s so beyond cool I can’t even deal.

As Lisa (Diane Kruger), you have long, wavy blonde hair that flutters and twirls whenever you skip down the streets of bohemian Chicago in your fierce, knee-high leather boots. Yes, that is an expensive, three-quarter-length tweed overcoat that trails behind you. Tweed is very fall/winter 2004, and it makes you look really thin. No wonder Joshy is totally obsessed with you.

Anyway, he plays Matthew, a young executive on the verge of proposing to his girlfriend (obviously evil and a total slut). When Joshy spots you one night in a fancy restaurant, he ditches his stupid girlfriend and chases after you.

It kind of gets confusing. Whoever made the movie tries to be all tricky with flashbacks and stuff. But in the beginning it’s pretty good the way Joshy spies on you in dance class and pretends to be a shoe salesman when you stop by that hip boutique. He slips those fabulous black heels over your feet and gets all nervous: omigod, it’s beyond amazing. And when you did that little “hard to get” routine, but left behind a note scribbled on a shoebox? And what’s this? The love montage! Omigod: best movie ever.

Of course the director (obviously a total dork) has to start making it confusing again. All of a sudden, Joshy comes over to your apartment (where’d you get that cute lamp, by the way?) and there’s another girl named Lisa there – and she’s way not as hot as you. As it turns out, she’s not even really named Lisa, but Alex (Rose Byrne), which sounds kind of lesbo to me. Which makes total sense considering she starts getting all psycho on Joshy. Who is this freak?

More of those annoying flashbacks tell us she’s an actress who lives across the courtyard from Lisa. At some point, she developed a crush on her neighbor, then schemed to become her best friend. (I just knew she was lesbo.) Or maybe she’s just trying to get closer to Joshy, I don’t know. The whole thing is super-complicated. Remember how “Memento” went backwards? It’s kind of like that only with way cuter outfits.

Halfway through the movie, something weird happens. Lisa goes off on a European tour of “Cabaret,” but you don’t go with her. You’re stuck in Chicago with Alex – and Joshy, of course. Hmm. I guess Alex isn’t that bad. She seems to be wearing a bad brown wig and is basically drab, but in a movie-star kind of way, so really she’s kind of cute.

Come to think of it, she’s needy, lonely, and crushed out on Joshy sort of in the same way you are. Alex is really the person more like you in “Wicker Park” – the insecure girl, the one with problems, the one who’d never get a guy like Joshy. Of course he’d be obsessed with the boring blonde (who, now that I think about it, is totally about to break out). This movie’s really about sabotaging that nasty girl who’s keeping Joshy away from you.

Hide her letters! Delete his answering machine messages! Stab him in the face with scissors! Well, okay, don’t do that last thing – though if you did “Wicker Park” would be a lot more fun. “Love makes you do crazy things,” confesses Alex, “insane things!” True, at least if “love” means the adoration of a vapid heartthrob who hates you. Crazy, insane things, like buying a ticket to the loathsome “Wicker Park.”

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As for the target audience of “The Goonies,” suffice to say the film is playing midnights at the Sunshine this weekend: So it’s not kids (they’re probably at “Hero”) but the crowd with Kid 606 remixes on their iPods. Oh, the magic of reparatory programming! Here’s a chance for Gen-Xers to reconcile themselves to the fact that this shrill blast of 1980s sub-Spielbergism is one of their cultural touchstones.

On the one hand, “The Goonies” is a class-warfare fantasia, in which six working-class heroes save their quaint coastal town from a pack of villainous real-estate developers. On the other hand, it’s an anxious psychosexual odyssey in which a troupe of potty-mouthed, pee-pee-fixated pre-pubescent boys quest for the “treasure” of “One-Eyed Willie.”

They are: gentle, asthmatic Mikey (Sean Astin), who grows up to be gay, or the leader of an indie-rock band, or both; his older brother, Brand (Josh Brolin), eventually known as “that old guy in the club”; snide, obnoxious Mouth (Corey Feldman), who later gentrifies the Lower East Side (notice the tight jeans, “Purple Rain” T-shirt, and Members Only jacket); Asian gadget nerd Data (Jonathan Ke Quan), who will become a billionaire (on paper) in the late 1990s, and fat klutz Chunk (Jeff Cohen), future Atkins-diet fanatic and pilates Fascist.