Soccer's 2008 Resolution? Keep Quiet

I'm not good at making, and sticking to, New Year's resolutions — for myself, that is. But I do pretty well when it comes to making resolutions for other people. So, here are my modest proposals to various soccer groups for ways in which they can improve the sport.

COACHES: Shut up. On the field and during the game, that is. These guys carry on as though they are quite insane, shouting, yelling, and screaming at everyone — their opponents, their own players, their bench, and the game officials. It seems not to matter; anyone will do, just so long as the coach can splutter and fume and heap abuse on him. These coaching tantrums are also accompanied by the most awful ham acting you'd ever want to see: elaborate foot-stamping, hands raised dramatically to the heavens or clasped agonizingly around heads. Plus, there's a great deal of leaping about, a pretty pathetic sight as these gray-haired, 50-something guys embrace each other to celebrate a goal as though they, and not their players, had actually scored it.

Their behavior is not merely ludicrous: It comes over as downright obnoxious, and the gold medal for making an offensive ass of himself goes to England's Neil Warnock, who mercifully resigned as Sheffield United's coach last year — but has now annoyingly popped up again at Crystal Palace. The next category of soccer people to whom I offer an improving resolution:

GOALKEEPERS: Shut up. In fact, they should shut up even more than coaches. Nothing is more irritating in the modern game than the tawdry sight of goalkeepers screaming at their own defenders for some supposed mistake they've just made. This is now such a common occurrence that it seems to be routine with some goalkeepers. The American Tim Howard, playing with England's Everton, is one of the worst offenders. The mindset of these guys seems to be that they should never have to make a save, or even touch the ball — if only those damn defenders would just do their job!

Why do goalkeepers behave in this way? They never used to. Never. This deplorable habit seems to have started in the 1970s, a time that gives a solid clue to its origin. For it was in the 1970s that the widespread televising of live soccer games began.

Inevitably, players (and coaches) began to respond to the knowledge that they were quite likely to be featured on television that evening — especially if they did something spectacular. Well, you can't always guarantee the opportunity to be brilliant during a game, but goalkeepers were quick to grasp the chance for some collateral glory by acting theatrically any time the ball came anywhere near them. Their tirades have gotten worse and worse — though it's questionable whether their goalkeeping has gotten any better.

There is also the baffling question of why the other players put up with the abuse from the one player on the team who could definitely not step into their shoes and do a better job — indeed, the one guy who is not really a soccer player at all.

As I'm partially blaming television for encouraging coaches and goalkeepers to grandstand during a game, I shall now unveil a resolution that I have prepared for TV commentators:

COMMENTATORS: Shut up. Heavens, what a relief that would be, if these guys could just back off for a moment, could pause long enough to actually think about what they're saying. But no, nonstop waffling is their stock-in-trade. They just keep talking, and never mind whether they have anything intriguing to say or not. Mostly, they don't. Mostly we get (to use Vladimir Nabokov's fine phrase) "competitive reminiscences," as the play-by-play guy and the color guy try to outscore each other by giving us ever more obscure and irrelevant information. Or they give us incredibly over-elaborate "technical" analyses.

These guys, particularly those on Fox Soccer Channel, have yet another way of increasing their irritant function by constantly trying to sound British, by using words such as "pitch" (for field) or "nil" (for zero), and the key word, "football." It might be thought that the occasional use of "football" to describe the wrong sport is a slip of the tongue. Not so. This channel, this Fox Soccer Channel, has a regular program titled "Football Fone-In."

But the TV bores are less of a problem than the coaches and the goalkeepers. Those last two, we have to watch. For the TV guys, there's always the haven of the mute button. Here's my last proffered resolution:

AMERICAN SOCCER: Shut the door on the Brit influence. We have had just too much of this, right from the earliest days of the sport in this country, back in the early 1900s. Times have changed; it's a different country these days. Soccer, too, has changed: The English are no longer considered the leaders in sport.

But the Anglophilia of American soccer continues. Later this month, the annual convention of the NSCAA (National Soccer Coaches Association of America) will be held in Baltimore. It's a substantial event that will probably attract over 5,000 coaches, but it's one that lives hopelessly in the past.

A look at its schedule of clinics and lectures reveals an overwhelming preference for European speakers. One of those speakers is from Austria, a country that is ranked no. 91 in the world by FIFA. The current no. 1, Argentina, is not represented. The world's no. 2, Brazil, came close to being ignored too, but the late addition of a coach from the Brazilian women's national team meant that South America did have one, lone, presence. Meanwhile, apparently unnoticed in the shuttered world of the NSCAA, a fundamental change is taking place in America, as the burgeoning Latino population adds huge numbers of players to the American soccer mix. These are players whose idea of the way to play soccer is rather different from the English — and the Austrians.

So, a happy new year to all coaches, goalkeepers, TV commentators, and Anglo-snobs. Just one request: Could you keep your voices down, please?

pgardner@nysun.com