MLS Needs an Immediate Dose of 'Sexy Soccer'

Sexy soccer is to be the theme of next year's Los Angeles Galaxy. The guy who coined the phrase, Dutchman Ruud Gullit, is the Galaxy's new coach; at his command he has David Beckham, reckoned by many to be the game's sexiest superstar.

I'm not aware that Gullit has ever issued a definition of what he means by sexy soccer, so I shall give my version of it. Sexy soccer is emotional soccer, for sure, soccer that excites. It's attacking soccer, goal-scoring soccer. It's soccer that quickens the pulse and heats the blood, it's cheerful soccer, it's the sport played with a smile.

I'm not sure I've quite dispelled the sexual aura, but anyway there's one obvious link between sex and soccer: They're both supposed to be enjoyable experiences. If that's what Gullit is promising, then bring it on.

As far as MLS is concerned, an immediate dose of sexy soccer would be welcome at the end of this week, at MLS Cup, this season's championship game. Because there is a depressing likelihood that the game will produce the exact opposite of sexy soccer — I'll call it turnoff soccer.

The finalists are the Houston Dynamo and the New England Revolution, and that's the problem. We had the same finalists a year ago, and they produced a turnoff classic, a game that was dreadful beyond any telling of it.

The good news about this year's final is that it has to be better than last year's, if only because it cannot possibly be worse. Even so, it may not be much better, because the two teams have made few changes in their lineups. Of the 22 players likely to be starting on Sunday, at least 16 will have played in last year's final.

One of the biggest bummers of turnoff soccer is that it has trouble producing goals. Last year, the Dynamo and the Revs managed one each (both scored in overtime). Is there any reason to expect more scoring this time? Not really. Of the five new players — Khano Smith, Jeff Larentowicz, and Wells Thompson for the Revs, Richard Mulrooney and Nate Jaqua for the Dyanmo — only Jaqua is a forward. And if he represents a goal-scoring addition to the Dynamo lineup, that may well be canceled out by an injury to Brian Ching, the Dynamo's main goal-scorer.

The Revs have a uniquely awful record of being unable to get goals when it matters, having scored just once in three MLS Cup appearances. Neither is their playoff record this season exactly encouraging: Two 1–0 wins, and a 0–0 tie. This is baffling, because the Revs — with 51 goals in the 30-game regular season — were the league's second highest scorers.

The situation is reversed with the Dynamo, which scored only 43 times in the regular season, but has managed six goals in its three playoff games. The Dynamo's playoff games have been full of incident, lively enough, without featuring much by way of good soccer. Battles, really — and that is perhaps what playoff games come down to.

The Revs have a similar fighting spirit, a relentless ability to grind down the opposition and grab the vital goal. Such a quality is not to be belittled, but it creates a big problem in a game where it is the chief attribute of both teams.

When that occurs, a stalemate is the likely result, as the chief aim becomes the defensive one of thwarting the opponent, rather than the attacking option of scoring a goal.

That is not a recipe for sexy soccer. But it seems to be a playoff recipe that appeals to the two coaches, Dominic Kinnear of the Dynamo and Steve Nicol of the Revs, and only two things can prevent it from producing another dud final on Sunday.

Either the coaches have to change their mindset, or the game has to feature an early goal. The first possibility is unlikely. Modern soccer coaches are remarkably unadventurous, especially when it comes to important games. On those occasions, risk-taking is banished, and the dreaded defensive caution takes over. A melancholy state of affairs that is frequently justified with the dreary mantra: "Defense wins championships."

Possibly it does, but it also produces boring games, and that is a huge problem for the MLS which — particularly in its once-a-year showcase game — does not need a snore-fest.

As for an early goal, that ought to be a possibility, because both the Dynamo and the Revs have splendid attacking players. The Dynamo's Dwayne De Rosario can dazzle with his dribbles and has an amazing, rapidly-delivered, super-powerful shot. For the Revs, Taylor Twellman is a consistently dangerous forward who has scored over 90 goals in six seasons with the club.

So both clubs have firepower up front, but both have work-horse midfields lacking in creative players to feed telling passes to De Rosario and Twellman. When those midfields are primarily engaged in closing down opponents, De Rosario and Twellman have to do it on their own.

Twellman did just that in the Eastern Conference final against Chicago with a superb bicycle-kick goal, the only score of the game. De Rosario's goal against the Kansas City Wizards in the Western final was another individual effort, a surprise shot from 15 yards that ripped past goalkeeper Kevin Hartman before he had time to react.

But such moments of excitement come too rarely from the Dynamo and the Revs. I'm reminded of what Gioachino Rossini said of Richard Wagner's music: "Lovely moments, but awful quarters-of-an-hour."

With the Revs and the Dynamo, the lovely moments are more likely to be separated by awful half-hours. Both teams have the players to alter that. But do they have the spirit to produce a memorable final that proves defense is not the only route to winning championships? Success can come from a goal-scoring approach, too — from sexy soccer.

pgardner@nysun.com